3 - Man Stuck In Chimney, LOTI Pencil, Hobos, and Social Media Trends

Hello, my little gumdrops, and welcome back to Sugar Before Bed, a show where I fixate on what’s caught my attention and ruined my sleep schedule for the week. I’m your host, Andrew.

Before we begin today, we had a viewer, if you can believe it or not, somebody wrote into the show, and they said they were hoping to get an update on the bird situation. In my first episode, so if you’re new to the show or if you aren’t familiar with what I’m talking about, the first episode, I went on a little bit of a rant about these birds.

What else is new? The birds are back. The birds are back. The birds are back. And despite all of my best efforts, I wasn’t able to prevent them from putting their nest on my ledge. But update, actually, so what I did was I went down to the pet feed shop and I actually bought bird seed. And instead of trying to deter them from my window, I thought, okay, I’ll just attract them to my neighbor’s window.

So actually what I did, I just took bird seed and threw it on my neighbor’s window. And the birds left mine and now they built a nest on my neighbor’s window. Solved it. Sometimes I guess you don’t have to fight fire with fire. Turns out water is a good combatant against fire. So yeah, that’s the update. I am living bird free now and life couldn’t be any better.

Connecticut Man Stuck in Chimney

Life could have been better for this man in Bristol, Connecticut. Let’s get this pulled up. First news story of the day. Firefighters had to rescue a man who got stuck in the chimney of a Connecticut Parks pavilion while trying to retrieve his dog from the bathroom after the doors automatically locked for the night.

Apparently the doors automatically locked for the night at p.m. and the dog wasn’t done on the toilet. Police were called Sunday morning for a burglary complaint and were told by Parks employees that someone was in the chimney. But we didn’t leave out any cookies.

Firefighters responded to the scene and got the man out after having to remove parts of the chimney and building, causing $, to $, worth of damage, which realistically is chump change for Santa. The man was not injured. He was arrested and charged with burglary, trespassing, and criminal mischief.

Okay, wow. So I guess we now know what Santa does in the offseason. Technically, Christmas in July, maybe he’s doing, maybe he’s practice running, you know? Maybe there was a certain chimney that gave him difficulty during his Christmas run, and he had to go back and see if he could figure out how better to be efficient.

Although this isn’t Santa. This is a man whose dog was stuck in a bathroom at a park. And so he thought, why would I call the cops? I’m going to get myself into the chimney.

And let’s think through this. Okay, so do you think he went head first or feet first into the chimney? Because the police got called on this guy. How do you even know somebody’s stuck in the chimney? You just walking by and somebody’s like, Help! Help! I’m in the chimney!

Or do you think he called from the chimney? Because I can’t imagine you can access your pockets or even your phone. Do you think he did, Hey Siri, while stuck in the chimney? Hey Siri, can you call the police? I’m stuck in the chimney.

Okay, so head first or feet first, though? If you go head first, that’s the worst one because you’re going to get all that blood rushed to your head. He had to have gone feet first. That’s the way I would have done it.

Imagine he goes in. Oh. No, I’m sorry. I think I… Siri must have picked up on the conversation. I’m so sorry. Okay. No problem. Okay. Goodbye.

Holy hell. Siri just called. Don’t do it. Don’t do it again. Do not. Do not do it again. From that conversation, my phone picked up and called emergency services. Isn’t that a crime? Did I just commit a crime on camera? To do. To call. Holy shit. Anyway.

All right. But wouldn’t it be funny? Getting back into it. Wouldn’t it be funny? That’s wild. That’s wild. The guy couldn’t have been nicer. Oh, I’m sorry. No problem. Is there an emergency? No. Just an idiot. Just an idiot talking to cameras.

I thought he was on speaker for some reason. And I heard him. I thought someone was in my house. That would be the cause for emergency. Good Lord.

Anyway. Hey Siri, no, no stop it phone stop stop it Jesus Christ I gotta turn put that in the other room.

Okay but if he goes head first right imagine imagine he goes head first down the chimney and uh like or feet first rather and then like just his head’s like sticking out the top of the chimney and he’s stuck or even better if he is head first then his legs are.

Then his legs are sticking out the top of the chimney. Wow, that was… That’s quite the way to raise your heartbeat, huh? Call emergency services. I’m not going to say the three-digit number. God forbid I call them back. Okay, anyway.

That one completely derailed my train of thought with the whole emergency services. $10,000 worth of damage to fix the chimney. And then he gets three counts of… He gets arrested for burglary, trespassing, and criminal mischief.

How did the dog even get stuck in the bathroom? That’s what I want to know. Gee whiz.

Annual Giant Pencil Sharpening in Minneapolis

What else do we have here? Oh, yeah. I came across this. This is a feel-good article. But it’s also an article on the first rendition of my white people have too much damn time segment. And if we could get like an illustrator out there, we could have like a white people have too much damn time.

So we’re in Minneapolis, Minnesota, which is about as white as it gets, I would think, for the annual sharpening of a gigantic number two pencil. So in… I’ll summarize the article for you. In… there was a storm that came through and tore down a -year-old bur oak tree.

In some guy’s front yard, very wealthy part of town, Lord of the Isles, Lake of the Isles, something like that. What is it? Can we pull it up? Can we pull up that link to see where this was? Lord of the Isles, Lake… Lake Isle, somewhere. Some rich… some rich person. Lake of the Isles.

So if you’re familiar with that area… and then in… they didn’t want to remove the stump completely, so in… they commissioned an artist named Curtis Ingvoldstad, and he turned the remaining -foot tall, -inch diameter stump into a number two pencil.

And we can pull up a picture here of the pencil. There you go. There’s the pencil in all of its glory. You can see they have fun with it. This is a picture from a recent Halloween. Super pencil. And then here’s the pencil getting a haircut.

Each year, though, on the first Saturday of June, the community does this thing where they sharpen the pencil. And I have a video here, actually. So let’s just play the video. And let’s try to spot as many non-white people as we can in this video.

Okay, believe it or not, a storm blew down our year-old oak tree and instead of cutting it down we turned it into a giant number two pencil. June th, Prince’s birthday. Prince’s birthday and the pencil’s birthday. Yeah, I don’t think Prince is sharing his birthday with anything, let alone a -foot pencil.

Keep going. I would die for you. So we’ve got, for our audio listeners, we’ve got about , white folk dressed as stationary pencils and morons, basically. They’re out here for the annual pencil sharpening. And we’ll get to what that is here.

So now we see it takes a team to sharpen something this big. In the back of their shirts, they have the official pencil sharpener hoisters. So, dude, they had to crush so much puss. These four individuals… like, if you wear that out at the grocery store, the official pencil sharpener hoister… dude. Ain’t no way that guy leaving with a dry dick.

Keep going. And there you have it. So they sharpen the pencil. Okay, so that’s what they do. And before I rip into this too much for being one of the more dorky ways to spend your time, there’s actually a pretty unique symbolism behind it.

So they claim that, you know… there’s — this is a quote — there’s a renewal. We can write a new love letter, a new thank you note. We can write a math problem, a to-do list, and that chance for renewal, that promise. People really seem to buy into and understand.

So it’s almost like, yeah, a renewal, a rebirth, your weekly… your weekly. I wish I had something in my life every year that I could look forward to as a sign of renewal or rebirth. It’s almost like I only have New Year’s, my birthday, Christmas. First day of spring, first day of summer, last day of winter. Opening day for MLB. Whenever a new video game drops, usually around September, November, I get a new Pokémon game.

I wish I had something like that I could look forward to every year. Here’s a picture. Claimed to be over a thousand people. Yeah. Not one single black dude. This is entirely white, and are we surprised?

“Hey, honey, do you want to go down to the annual pencil sharpening?”

“The what? The annual pencil sharpening?”

“No, absolutely not. No, I don’t.”

But that’s a different story for this woman who was quoted in the news article. She didn’t have her name listed, which rightfully so. One person said she flew from Chicago on Friday for the event and, quote, “Some man is sharpening a pencil on his lawn and this is what happens. Yeah, I’m gonna be a part of it. How can you not? Life’s too short.”

And this is someone quoted who was dressed in a pencil costume. And that sounds like a cry for attention, doesn’t it? To be in a pencil costume at the pencil sharpening. Like it’s one thing to go, you’re gonna do it as a pencil?

So let’s do a cost scenario, right. Can we do a Google search real quick? Flights to Minneapolis. And I’m actually in Chicago, so let’s do Friday to… okay, well, this weekend is the th, so that’s probably going to affect prices, so holiday weekend. So let’s do Friday the th to Sunday the th.

So just rough estimate, you can get Sun Country Airlines for $, which is cheaper than Frontier, and then Southwest at that for $. So even if you’re doing this on a budget, $ for the flight, let’s say. And then you’re looking at two nights of lodging. So there’s another $.

And then you’ve got to eat out three times for three days. That’s nine meals. You’re looking at probably $ in food costs alone. So now you’re looking at about $. Because I’m assuming you’re buying souvenirs. You’re at the pencil sharpening, for Christ’s sake.

Money to fly to go see a pencil get sharpened and then come back home because life’s too short. Life’s too short. And if anybody ever tells you you’re crazy for wanting to go see the giant pencil sharpening in Lake of the Isles, Lord of the whatever, Lord of the Dance, Minnesota, do it because life’s too short. You can get hit by a bus or stabbed in the eye with a pencil. You never know. You absolutely never know.

Alligator Retrieves Golf Club in Florida

Had another video sent in from a viewer. Can we get that pulled up, please? So this is down in Florida. And for those of you who can’t make out what you’re seeing or for those that are listening, the driver slipped out of his hands and it went inside of the lake.

And then this alligator, could be a crocodile, depends on where the nostrils are, swam out and grabbed the club in its mouth and then swam it back to shore. You can hear it. We’ll zoom in on it. Play it one more time.

Yeah, that’s an alligator gripping the club in its mouth and then swimming away with it. And I asked the follow-up question, did he get the club back? And he said, yes, he was able to get the club back and it had a bunch of scratches on it. So who says alligators are all bad, huh? Could be a crocodile. You hate to judge a croc by its cover.

Dinner Date and Fortune Cookie Complaint

Let’s see, what else can we chat about here in the closing couple of minutes? I had… oh, this one got my… this one really got my… got my goat, as they say. I was out to eat on a date. And went to a Chinese restaurant. And ordered orange chicken.

It went fine. Thank you for asking. Good date. And it was a… we ordered orange chicken. She ordered something. But I got a to-go box. And we’re walking down the street. And there’s a hobo digging through the trash, as they do.

And, you know, he had like the fingerless gloves and he had like a beanie that doesn’t match anything else. A hobo, a homeless man. Also, when did we start calling hobos unhoused? Like what? About two years ago. No, but like why? Why did people start? Are the hobos offended that we’re calling them hobos? Or is it that people wanted to feel like they’re doing something to help the homeless.

And instead of actually taking action and doing something that might cause discomfort, like donating money or their time or their resources, they just decided, no, we can do a Band-Aid application of help. We’ll just say something or we’ll call them something different so that we feel like we did something, but they’re still eating out of the trash. Virtue signaling in its finest form.

If you want to actually help the homeless, why don’t we stop donating so much money to these foreign wars and get our, mostly vets, ironically, back on their feet, give them whatever support they might need. But I’m not old enough to run for president. So, just wait it out. What is it, 35 or 40? Well, either way. No one’s going to vote for me. Because then I’d have to stop making this podcast.

So anyway, we’re in the… so anyway, walking down the street, homeless man living in the trash can, as they do. And he’s like, hey, can I have your leftovers? Just like that. Just like those guys that smoke and they have the thing on their neck. Like, can I have your leftovers?

And I was on a date. Typically, I don’t give to the homeless. The unhoused. I don’t give to the hobos of the world. Certainly not money. But he asked me for my leftovers. And I wasn’t… I was like, whatever. I’m on a date. If I say no, she might think I’m… she might think I’m not a good guy. So I wanted to put on an appearance.

So I gave the orange chicken, which I was going to reheat later. And eat. And we’re walking away and then I hear him go, “What? No fortune, dude? No fortune cookie?” Dude was complaining there wasn’t a fortune cookie. No fortune cookie.

Like, I understand if there’s one person in this world that actually needs the fortune cookie and the fortune to come true, it’s the hobo digging through the trash. But have a little bit of gratitude, buddy. I just gave you $12 worth of orange chicken. Sorry, there’s no chopsticks either, you fuck.

Social Media Bar Marketing Rant

Anyway, what else has grabbed my attention? Oh, yeah, okay, so I manage… The only reason I know this next part is because I manage… a social media account for a bar here in the city. And that social media account follows a whole bunch of other bars as it does. Not anything that I would ever follow with my personal account, but because I have access to this account that I manage, I then see essentially that account’s timeline.

And what I’ve noticed is there’s this weird trend among mostly bars but restaurants do it too but it’s typically bars and what they’ll do is the marketing strategy behind it it’s just like we’re just going to post all of our young female employees with their tits out and then we’re going to attract people to our bar exploiting our young waitresses.

Like there’s this one particular. I don’t remember the name of it. So how effective is your marketing? I just remember Jessica. She’s serving drinks tonight from o’clock to oh, I got to get down. So it’s just like a girl with her tits out. And then she’s got like a plate of food. It’s like a -year-old girl, right? Drink, tits, beer, and the caption’s like, Jessica’s behind the bar tonight come by and see her. Like they’re literally pimping this girl out for their own business profits gain.

And then it breaks my heart. You see like comments and of course I’m clicking through and it’s every everybody and their mother’s Vietnam war vet uncle grandpa. It’s just like, oh, I’d have two servings of those. Oh, oh, I’d take a couple gulps out of that pint. Just the most bizarre things.

And then you click it. At least I do. Then I click into these people’s profiles. Because again, this is Facebook. And it’s a public profile where you can see everything about your life. So now I’m doing this deep dive on David. Some guy who… hasn’t touched a human body outside of his own from the looks of it. And they’re like, these are the cretins of society. Just publicly leaving a crass comment on a girl.

Sex Dolls and Online Reviews

That also reminds me. There was this one podcast. I forget which one it was. It might have been We Might Be Drunk with Mark Norman and Sam Morrell. But one of their sponsors for the podcast was like hyper realistic sex dolls and it was like an ad they had for their show and you know whatever use code whatever to go.

So I went to the website. I went to the website just to—because the way they were talking about it they were like next level gen. I wasn’t gonna buy it, I didn’t buy it. I was just like, let’s see what this is all about.

And then they have like the products. On a normal website instead of having the product—you know, you go to like grills and then it has a drop down and there’s like built-in grills, this grill, this grill. On this website it was like, you know, girlfriends and then it just dropped down to the names. Each doll had its own name. So it was like Ashley and then that doll is the Ashley model. And each one had like a biography and like a personality.

These are silicone sex dolls, by the way. But it’s like they all had like… Ashley enjoys cooking tea when she’s not feeling like herself. You know, all this stuff.

But all this to say, the reason I’m even getting here. There was a reviews section for each product. And then you have these… And it is connected to people’s Google accounts. So you have people leaving reviews of a sex doll, which right there tells you that they fucked a sex doll.

I was at the grocery store just now buying toilet paper, and I felt ashamed walking around with it because now everybody knows that I poop. And people are out here leaving reviews for sex dolls, and then it’s tied to their Google profile, and you can click into that, and now you see everything about them on their Google profile, and how they just admitted that Ashley lights their world on fire.

Looking Up the Websites

Can we pull up the website? Like, what do I even… God, I gotta do incognito for this one. You just have to. I mean, I’m gonna do some… I’m going to do some crazy Googling here on a Hail Mary attempt. And hello, FBI. I already had the called. Now I’m Googling realistic sex dolls.

Joylovedolls.com? No. Now I’m just… Now I’m just… Now I’m just in the depth of society. Oh my god, this can’t be shown on TV. Siliconewives.com. Holy hell. Best selling sex dolls. Anyone want to take a guess? Oh my god, she’s beautiful.

Does anyone want to take a guess as to how much this costs? Well, if you want the auburn red hair sex doll, it’s on sale for $. And yes, they have reviews. People have reviewed this. I’m not going to show the pictures, obviously.

I just want to see, can I read? Wow, she’s flexible. Oh my goodness. I just want to see if I can read the review. Because on one of the websites, wait a minute, they’re showing how she’s made. Don’t do that. Don’t show me how she’s made. I want her to come.

Look, right here. Right here. Here’s the reviews. Oh, my God. Do you want to read some reviews for… Who is this? Do we have a name for her? She’s just called Auburn Redhead Sex Doll. But we have reviews.

Reading the Reviews

So we have… You think people write the review thinking like, oh, yeah, this is my gal. And then they see other people read the reviews and you’re like, you’re cheating. Oh, my God.

But after reading a few of these, we’re going to. OK, so this is a guy named C. And this one, unfortunately, we can’t click into their profile. But I’m just going to read the reviews.

My gift went without a partner for many years. I’m a handsome man who wanted a lady in my life.

I don’t think that’s true. You might have wanted a lady, but, you know, if you’re handsome, something else is severely wrong with you.

One day I said to the Lord Jesus, hey, can you bring her to my front door? And he did. On September th, she arrived at my front door via FedEx. Autumn, my sweetie.

And that review was written in. Four years later, he felt the need to come back and say how Autumn is in his life.

Here’s another review.

I ordered a WM doll, CMB cup Auburn doll from SiliconWives.com.

And SiliconWives.com, if you want to reach out and sponsor this episode, please, by all means, you can send me an Auburn.

I received top-notch customer service. My doll arrived in a timely manner. It arrived undamaged and was just like the product photos. I would highly recommend Silicone Wives if you’re considering purchasing a sex doll.

Oh, here’s a bad review.

Heavy, heavy. Struggled to move and keep locked up.

Keep locked up? It’s not a real woman. You don’t have to keep her locked up. Keep her locked up? What the hell?

Auburn has been a terrific addition to my sex life. After years of going solo, she has changed my life with her lifelike body, which provides realistic experiences, whether vaginal, anal, or oral.

Oh, is anybody else getting… Gee whiz, great detail, internal textures, and fit. She is always ready to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it. Yeah, because it’s a doll. You know? Except for talk about your day, go to the movies. You know, this guy’s probably bringing her to the movies. Yeah. Honey, you look so good in your trench coat. Did you roofie that woman? Why are you carrying her over your shoulder? Leave us alone. We bought two tickets.

She is easy to care for and is more than… More than worth the cost.

Okay, so this is just, if you ever want to, if you look in the mirror and you think, oh, I’m a little bit inadequate, I’m a little bit pudgy, I’m balding. Sorry, I got distracted.

This is getting real crash real quick. I got to hang up on this. Let me just copy that link there, save it to my notes. Okay. I got to take a break.

Wrapping Up

Anyway, how did we even get on this tangent? Gee whiz. Oh, right. So we have these bars that are just like talking and posting their young women employees. And then you get these guys in the comments that are like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Meanwhile, they’re just trying to make tips and not lose their jobs. So they feel obligated, I presume, to go ahead with the posting.

Hmm. Hmm. Okay. Looks like we’re approaching a good time limit here. So let’s wrap this thing up. Sorry I missed last week. Trying to just find, like, the best. Because I’m a one-man production here. I know a lot of podcasts have producers, all this and that. It’s just me. So I have to be the guy. And I’m not complaining. I chose to do this. Nobody was like, Andrew, please. Please, Andrew, put out a podcast. But it’s something I want to do.

But there is a lot of, you got to edit it. Then you have to like find content for the next episode. And then you got to, you know, it’s this recurring cycle. I’m just trying to find the best process that works for me, weekly kind of systems. And last week kind of fell through the cracks. And hopefully each episode I can just learn from what works for me and best get the episode out to y’all on a timely manner.

So again apologize for missing last week. If you’ve made it this far god bless you lord knows I would have clicked away by now. So thank you for those who listen.

If you’re listening to this podcast and you want to watch it, you can do that on YouTube or Spotify videos. If you’re watching it and you don’t want to see me, you can put your phone in your pocket or you can do audio podcasts on basically every platform.

Check us out on social media, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook. It’s either Sugar Before Bed or Sugar Before Bed Show. If you want to send in a video, I’d love to have you all send in videos of unique things or whatever that may be. So you can do that. And I’ll comment on them if I have something about them that I can comment on. You can email it to sugarbeforebedshow@gmail.com.

Oh, at gmail.com. sugarbeforebedshow@gmail.com. And one thing I’m thinking of doing is I’m going to try to do… Get like a Google phone number. Y’all can call in either with wacky stories or, heck, if you want advice, I’ll give you my unsolicited opinions. Is it unsolicited if I just asked you to call in?

Anyway, that’s it. Thank you again. Good night.