#1: Helicopter Parents, Birds, Sydney Sweeney Soap, Iranian Spoonman

Welcome to the First Episode

Hello, my little gumdrops. Welcome to Sugar Before Bed. This is a show where each week I take a look at what’s caught my attention and ruined my sleep cycle for the week. This is the first episode that I’m filming, so thank you for tuning in. It’s probably not going to be stellar. It’s probably going to be just about average, which is what I look for in life. So thank you for tuning in. If you’re listening on the audio platforms, thanks for being there. If you’re watching on YouTube or Spotify, thanks for being there as well. Just know that you can watch or listen pretty much everywhere you get your podcasts. Search for it, and hopefully, if I did my job right, we should show up. So thank you.

This is a show I’ve wanted to just have a platform for a while now, where I can just talk about what’s going on and kind of do this for me, and hopefully you all can get some entertainment along the way. If you like what you watch and you like what you hear, please feel free to hit the subscribe button, hit that little bell icon.

All the things that get you notified keep you in the loop. It helps the channel grow and it helps the community that I’m trying to build with you all grow as well. So without further ado, I’d like to get into the first topic.

Reflections on Fatherhood and Life Paths

I just got some news recently. My best friend growing up, I’ll keep his name secret. He knows who he is. He just told me that he’s having a child. His wife, rather, is having a child. And it got me thinking about kind of what we do with our lives and the paths that we’re all on.

This is a guy who, for the longest time, I knew from pretty much elementary school that he was going to follow the board game of life path, so to speak, the old Hasbro game. You know, go to college, get a degree, get a job, find a wife, get married, this and that. And he’s now informed me that he’s going to be a father come October. And I have no doubt that he’s going to be a great dad.

Really puts into perspective what I’m doing with my life. Sitting here in my small little apartment. Talking to these cameras. Cosplaying David Letterman. But I don’t think I’d want a kid right now. And I don’t know if I’d ever want a kid. So to each their own. Justin, if you’re watching this, big shout out, dude. Never had a doubt that these are the steps you’d take in life.

Helicopter Parenting and a Story From Subway

But it’s got me thinking kind of about what parenting styles different people have. And my parents growing up, they were pretty good. I mean, look at me, right? I turned out okay. And there’s definitely better ways to go about parenting than others. And this is going to get into a story, so bear with it.

The last thing you really want is to be a helicopter parent, which is the type of parent that hovers over their kid, makes sure that they can’t learn from their own mistakes, but they definitely won’t be able to succeed in life because their parent has always been there to monitor their every move, so to speak. Not saying that that’s what, Justin, you’re going to be, but it got me thinking about this one guy in particular.

Working at Subway and Meeting “Porsche Guy”

And as the show goes on, folks, the transitions will get better. Just bear with me here. I have an outline I’m trying to follow. But I used to work at Subway back in Florida. I used to work at a Subway inside of a gas station. So you can imagine the type of things we would see there and, more importantly, the types of sandwiches that we would make.

We had this one customer. He was a regular. We actually had some tables inside of our setup. And over the summer, when I wasn’t in high school, I would work, or I guess on the weekends as well, I would work the morning shifts. And there was this one guy, pretty successful dude, well off, whatever, had his own business. And he would come in and get a sandwich and a cup of coffee and read the newspaper. And he became somewhat of a regular and over time got to know the guy. We got to chatting.

This was before I went to college. So this was the summer before I went to Florida State. And we get to chatting. Turns out he has a son as well that is going to attend FSU the same time that I’m going to attend FSU. And he was a cool enough guy, so I thought. Then again, I was at the time, and I didn’t really know there were certain types of people out in the world. He’s not a child molester or a predator, so let’s just put that to bed right now. He’s just a little bit of a weird guy, we’ll say.

Word got out that I was going to FSU, as was his son, and I guess he felt like his son wasn’t exactly going to have a lot of friends. I think his son was going for computer engineering or computer programming, which isn’t to say that those majors are socially awkward, but I’m just putting into perspective for you all to think the things that you need to think for the story to make sense.

And so… One day, he’s like, hey, when do you get off work? I’m like, 2 o’clock. He’s like, okay, I’ll be back around 2 o’clock. Sure enough, 2 o’clock comes by, and he comes back, and he has a Porsche, right? Like the car, he has a Porsche, which if you said that to his face, he’ll say to you, it’s actually ‘Porsch-a.’ He was that kind of guy.

A Ride in the Porsche and a Strange Proposition

He had like the slick back, surfer guy hair and if you said Porsche he would correct you that it’s Porsch-a. That kind of fella, just to put everything into perspective. Again this is for you all to make your decisions about the person. But he’s like hey I want to take you come check out the car I want to take you for a ride which in itself was strange again not a child molester I did not get diddled in the back seat of the Porsche. It was the front seat. Kidding. Wasn’t diddled at all.

But he was like, I want to talk with you a bit about college or whatever. I’m like, okay, whatever. I tried to be, back in the day, I was a people pleaser, as they say. So we get in the car. He drives me around the neighborhood. He’s like showing me the features of the car. I’m like, you’re going to let me drive it? He’s like, no. I’m thinking to myself, why are we doing this?

This is… I’m not a big car guy. I like Need for Speed when the barrels drop out of the sky and you blow shit up. But other than that, not really sure why you’re taking me on this cruise ride down Hodges Boulevard. I mean, when you’re going miles per hour, this thing can probably go a lot faster. He takes me back to the Subway after he talks and tells me about his son and he kind of explains how he’s a little bit—he was worried that his son wasn’t gonna, um, like not amount to anything, but like grow up to be the social guy that he was.

Clearly this guy was like in a fraternity, had, uh, you know, had a successful fun time in college and apparently his son was just like not gonna follow in his footsteps or whatever.

He takes a hundred dollar bill out of his wallet and he gives it to me. And he pretty much says, this is for you to hang out with my son. And I get it. I’m flattered. I make a mean sandwich. But he’s paying me to hang out with his son because he feels like his son’s not going to have any friends in college. And it came out that we were in neighboring dorms, right?

And at first I’m like, oh, you know, I’m thinking to myself, what’s wrong with this guy? You know, and so ultimately I take the hundred dollars, which I shouldn’t have done. Looking back, I shouldn’t have taken the money, but I did. And long story short, that was just bizarre to me how this guy felt the need to pay me to hang out with his kid in college.

And then, like, what’s going to happen down the road, right? Is it going to be, oh, hey, your dad gave me $100 to hang out with you. Do you want to go to the dining hall and talk about Dungeons and Dragons or whatever the fuck you do?

A College Friendship That Never Was

But, so I felt obligated to hang out with the guy, obviously. So we get to college. I settle in, whatever. And then, like, I’m playing Frisbee on the grass on the campus courtyard area. And I got the number from the dad, which is a strange thing. You got to like, hey, I got your number from your dad. I worked at the Subway he used to frequent. Want to come play Frisbee?

Never heard from the guy. He never responded. For all I know, he crashed on his way to college. I never heard from the kid. I never friended him on Facebook. I got paid $100 to do nothing, and I didn’t have to suck any dicks or get diddled in the back of a Porsche.

All this to say, Justin, don’t pay people to hang out with your kid. I think he said it’s a son, so don’t pay people to hang out with your son. If he’s anything like you, he’ll be just fine.

I thought that was just a very weird thing for a father to do. And if I was the son and I found out that my dad, because what if we became friends, right? And then we’re hanging out one night and it’s like, you know, it’s funny, your dad actually took me in his Porsche and drove me out to the lake and he said, here’s $100 if you don’t hang out with my son. I would feel very strange about that friendship. That’s all. That’s what that story was about.

Like I said, folks, first episode. We’re not going to have bangers. They can’t all be bangers. But that was just a little thing I wanted to get off my chest. I haven’t slept an honest night’s sleep in the years that that story’s happened.

The Birds Are Back

What else is new? The birds are back. The birds are back. The birds are back. Yep. The birds are back, folks. So right now I’m in Chicago, Illinois. And as you know, birds fly south for the winter. And they, I guess, come back up when summer occurs. And we’re in the thick of it.

Into the thick of it. We’re in the thick of it right now. And that means the birds are back. And I live in an apartment, as you do in the city. And birds enjoy resting and building their nest, resting and nesting on my windows, particularly the window right outside of my bathroom.

And I keep looking over this way because outside of the window, that’s right past this camera, is the bathroom window. And these birds like to build their nests, which you’d think, oh, that’s fine, whatever. It’s not like they don’t carry disease, right?

No, it’s a shame because if they were to build their nests on any other window that wasn’t my bathroom window, it wouldn’t be an issue. But my bathroom gets real steamy because it’s tiny, and I like to take a hot shower. Sue me!

So my bathroom gets real steamy. And as a result, I have to open the window because there’s a lot of mold, which, side note, fuck landlord companies. They do whatever the minimum they can to not make apartments nice for their residents.

We have, I moved in whatever amount of years ago, and instead of, like, deep cleaning the bathroom, they just caulked over the mold that was growing in my bathtub, they just cocked over all the mold. So mold is very prevalent in my bathroom. And if I don’t open the window after I shower, mold grows. What a concept.

But there’s a bird nest on the window of my bathroom. And they tried, they put up the little plastic prong things to prevent birds from building their nests. Like the little stakes on the side of the window, but it doesn’t work.

And so I have these pigeons that don’t respect me no matter how many letters I write. They don’t respect me, and they keep building their nests right on my bathroom window.

Failed Attempts to Get Rid of the Birds

And it’s a problem because when I open the window to let the steamy shower steam out, there’s these birds sitting right there. And yes, I have a mesh net. They’re not going to get inside. But, I mean, like, I’m not trying to have bird juice squeezed into my window and their grimy little bodies and bird flu. Excuse me. It’s all a thing.

So, tried a lot of different methods. I have a window right here that actually overlooks the bathroom window. And so I’ve actually been, I have an airsoft gun, and I’ve been shooting at them. Pete is going to love this episode. I’ve been shooting at them through this window to try and not kill them because it’s a plastic BB gun, but just to let them know, hey, I can see you. I don’t like you here.

But that hasn’t worked. And I can only imagine the news story, especially in this town, with somebody seeing me shooting a gun. At my own window, from my window, because there’s like a V-corner right here. One window looks at my other window, and I’m just taking pop shots at these birds. And it’s such a low-powered pistol that it hits the little BB plastic pellets. They’re not even metal. But it hits their feather, and it just bounces off. So that proved to be ineffective.

So then I thought, okay, what can I do? I heard an old folk tale, an old wives’ tale, if you will, that if you give birds rice and they eat it, they blow up. So I put a bunch of rice. Granted, it wasn’t like true authentic rice. It was the minute rice, and I don’t know if that affected the digestion of the birds.

But I figured, let me put some rice on the windowsill, and if they are hungry, they’ll eat it, and they’ll blow up. Makes a lot of sense in my brain as I say it out loud. I still think it makes a good amount of sense. Haven’t heard an explosion yet. Rice has been out there for now about four days. Haven’t heard an explosion yet.

So that’s proven to also be ineffective. They’re still nesting. Then I thought, okay, what can I do? Maybe I can take a page out of Sebastian Maniscalco’s playbook, douse the rice in bleach, put that on the windowsill. Nothing. It hasn’t worked either.

So I don’t know if anyone has any recommendations. Leave a comment. You can also email the show at sugarbeforebedshow@gmail.com for how to get rid of bird nests. Because they’ll take twigs. They’ll take sticks. They’ll build a little nest right on my bathroom window. And it’s becoming a nuisance.

I can hear them hooting right now. Maybe that’s an owl. But like pigeon noise. Whatever a pigeon noise is. If anybody has any recommendations, don’t hesitate to reach out. I might need to do something more drastic. I guess I’ll inform you next week on how that goes.

But until then, the birds are back, and it doesn’t look like they’re going anywhere anytime soon.

Sydney Sweeney’s Bathwater Soap

What else we got? Ah, yes, let’s jump into a little bit of news articles now, shall we? Sydney Sweeney unveils bar of soap made from her bathwater.

After filming a saucy advert for a soap brand last year, the Euphoria actress was inundated with requests from fans. What the fuck is wrong with this country? Actress Sydney Sweeney has answered the prayers of her most ardent fans by offering them the chance to buy a bar of soap infused with her bath water.

Actress starred in an advertisement last year for men’s personal care brand Dr. Squash, which featured her soaking in a bathtub. When your fans start asking for your bathwater, you can either ignore them or turn it into a bar of Dr. Squatch soap.

So she sold out. She sold out for the bathwater soap. And let’s see here. Only 500 bars of soap will be made, and they will all go on sale June 22nd. Hey, Siri? Set a reminder for June 22nd? Thank you.

Analyzing the Fan Obsession

Let’s see, what else? This is bizarre, because first off, a lot of questions. Where are we getting the… How long had she soaked in the water? That’s my first question. Is she… Is she… In the tub for three seconds. Because that’s not enough. That’s not. That doesn’t constitute bath water. It needs to be. If her skin is not pruned. By the time she gets out of that bath water. I want my money back. I’m canceling my credit card.

How much is it? First off. I’m not. I’m not even. Of course they don’t tell us. Of course. If she’s not pruned by the time she gets out of that tub, I don’t want it, A. B, I don’t really even want it, because I’m reading this article here, and it says, A touch of Sydney’s real bath water, according to Dr. Squash.

The soap is supposed to evoke a smell? Anyone want to guess? That’s right, class. Douglas fir trees and moss. A nod to Sweeney’s roots in the Pacific Northwest. Is that what we would have guessed? Sydney Sweeney’s bathwater was going to smell like, folks? Dug fir trees and moss? How about underboob sweat? Huh? That’s what the mind goes to?

Also, a couple of other things. We know the clientele of people buying this. horned up dudes right but what does her bath water being in the mixture of the soap do for that horned up dude and maybe i’m wrong i haven’t seen the marketing information or the market research for dr squash you know you can send it over that’d be great but i’m assuming no sane woman is buying this Unless they’re, you know, a lesbian. Not saying lesbians aren’t sane.

But this is probably for horny dudes wanting a little bit of that sweet, sweet Sweeney bath water. But what is the fact that, realistically, they’re going to take a little teardropper of water, spurt it into the soap mixture, and sell you a $12 bar of soap, right? That smells like Douglas fir trees and moss. A nod to Sweeney’s roots in the Pacific Northwest.

But what’s the point? Like, you have this bar of soap. And let’s be honest, folks. The people ordering this soap are the people that probably don’t shower every day. They probably shower two times a week when the Dorito dust gets too much on their man pits.

Which I think about that, and I have a Costco-sized Dorito bag in the kitchen right now. It’s me. I’m the one buying her soap. But it’s like… What do they get out of this? What are they going to achieve, right? Sidney’s body is on mine because she took a bath for four seconds. And then Dr. Squash came and squatch, squash, squash, squash the beef, whatever. They came and took a little dropper and 500 bars were made out of her bath soap, bath water. And then they made it into a soap bar.

And when I rub it on my skin, it’s like Sidney Sweeney’s on my skin. What’s the point? Her nudes are online. Just go look at those. There’s plenty of scenes in Euphoria where you can get close to her if you feel like it. What is rinsing yourself and cleaning yourself with soap made from her bath water going to do for anybody?

Is it a collector’s item? You’re going to put it on the shelf and look at it every day next to your Mikasa Funko Pops or whatever the heck? That’s probably, that’s the people. If you own ten or more Funko Pops, you’re probably in line to buy this bathwater soap. Funko Pop.

Sweeney has emerged as one of the most sought-after young stars in Hollywood, and we all know why. As well as in Euphoria, she starred opposite Glenn Powell. Why is that in the article? Who gives a shit?

Sweeney recently split from her fiancé, the film producer Jonathan DeVino. God, could you imagine? You’re engaged to Sidney Sweeney, them big ol’ things. You get divorced. And you know that she has her nudes online, whatever. That’s her selling point. It’s not like she’s a fantastic actress. I’ve never seen Euphoria, but from what I can understand, it’s a show all about sex, sex sells, and that’s her bread and butter. Great.

But imagine you’re engaged to this woman, and then you… Did they say divorced? Which would mean they’re split up. You split from her and then you wake up and you see a news article. She’s selling her bathwater soap.

I’d say good for him. Good for him. Ground yourself with a woman who works a normal everyday job. The coffee shop barista. The drive-thru McDonald’s worker. Somebody who knows what it’s like. To not take an easy day out. Somebody who can’t just wake up one day, call Dr. Squash and say, Hey, I’d like to sell a soap that reminds me of my roots in the Pacific Northwest. And I’ll even sit in a bath.

Wouldn’t it be funny if she took the bath fully clothed? Right? We just assume she’s naked in the… In the tub. And I say we. It’s me. I assume. I’m thinking. But what if she’s like in a four-piece suit? Like an oversized shoulder pad suit. And she’s in there for four seconds. And then she flies back to the Pacific Northwest where she can film another Euphoria episode and get us all hot and bothered. No. Okay.

Anyway. So that’s on June 22nd. By the time this episode comes out, that date will have passed. Sorry, my little gumdrops, but it looks like I failed you. I should have let you know earlier. That’s a damn shame. But I do have it on the calendar, and I will hopefully try to get it. It’s a limited time thing. 500 bars will be made.

And what do we think about Dr. Squatch for this? Is it Squatch or Squash? Jesus Christmas. Squatch. Like Sasquatch. I’d buy his bath soap. Sasquatch? If we can get him in the tub and make bars of soap out of Sasquatch, I don’t care if it’s a limited run of 10—I’d be opening a credit card to get that one.

Good for you, Sweeney. No shame in your game. More so shame in the fact that there were people that reached out to her wanting this. What a wild world we live in. When this show takes off, I’m going to sell feet pics. Hell. If you build it, they will come. That’s what they say.

Man Breaks World Record… with Spoons

What else do we have? Man balances spoons on his body to break his own world record. Slow news day, huh? Spoons on his body to break his own world record. Oh, there’s a video. Lovely. Let’s take a peek, huh? Can we play the video?

What a joke. He’s not even, he’s just standing there. He’s not even, he has some, what the hell? Iranian man balanced spoons on his body to break a Guinness World Record for the third time. You got it. Okay, mister, you did it. You don’t need to continue breaking your record.

Oh, I’m not going to try the Iranian accent because I have no idea how it is. Maybe I’ll just do like a generic Russian. Oh, I did. I broke the record. No, I broke the record At 50 and then I broke it again at 62. And I just couldn’t fully get a night’s sleep. I kept thinking, God, I can break it again.

Buddy, you have the record. Nobody’s waking up thinking, I’m going to go put spoons on my body and take it from you. You’re good.

Can we roll the clip more? How the heck? They’re putting it down. One fell. One of them fell. Play it back. A spoon fell. That should be… That should be… How do you even…

Abulfazal Sabir Mkhitary, age 50, originally set the record for most spoons balanced on the body at 64 in 2009. He broke his own record with 85 spoons in 2013. Okay, so in 2013—this is COVID times. Did Iranians have COVID? I’m genuinely asking, did Iran have COVID? Did they even know what it… Well, it was a worldwide pandemic, Andrew. Yes, of course they knew what it was. I didn’t hear anything about it.

So in 2013, in the height of COVID, Abul Fazal Sabir Mokhtari thought, I’m going to put spoons on my body. I got nothing else going on. I can’t go down to Books-A-Million. They closed. Borders. But what else am I going to do? I can’t. I’m going to put spoons on my body.

And then two years later, two years went by. And he broke his record with 85 spoons, and then now in 2021 with 105 spoons. So he breaks a record, waits two years, breaks a record, waits two years, breaks a record. Do you think in the two years in between, he’s celebrating? Or do you think day in, day out, he’s trying to break his record?

Also, what an accomplishment. Do you open with that at cocktail parties? Do you say, yeah, I’m a neurosurgeon. Do Iranians have a neurosurgeon? Yeah, I’m a neurosurgeon, but I actually have a record for spoons on my body.

The three-time record breaker said he’s been sticking objects to his skin since he was a child. Not much going on over there, huh? His helper happily repositions them, expertly arranging the spoons for maximum coverage. When she runs out of spoons and declares the attempt over, Abzaval Abulfazul Zabumafu celebrates by flexing his biceps, sending the silverware crashing down.

Anything, I mean it, any object, anything that has a surface I can stick to my body, such as plastic, glass, fruit, stone, wood, and even a fully grown human. But not babies. Abusabumafu believes his unusual talent works because he can transfer energy from his body into an object.

I bet you this guy’s a stallion in bed, huh? He explained, I can transfer this energy I have in me to the objects as long as I can touch and feel them. I push myself then to focus as much as possible on the objects on my body, and that’s how I do it. That’s how he does it. So if he doesn’t focus, they don’t stick, I suppose.

After multiple years of practice and effort, I was able to strengthen my talent and develop it to where it is now. Anything. I mean any object. What’s his secret? Does he just have glue all over his skin? Because I’m not buying the energy transfer bullshit.

Look at him. Let’s pull up this picture, please. Him with all the spoons. He looks like… He looks like he’s in Troy. He’s about to go to war. Kick somebody down a… down a well or whatever the heck. Spartacus kick. Got his chain mail on with these spoons.

But, like… Why 105? Did you run out of skin? It just seems very arbitrary to stop at 105. If you’re able to transfuse your energy into an object, did you run out of spoons? Did everybody in the village donate their spoons and supper time came around and they all had to get their spoons back because they were hungry and you couldn’t get 106?

Is that why it takes two years to break the record—because we have to procure more spoons? If you’re able to just… And look, there’s a spoon right on the dude’s chest. Right here. In a place where… I couldn’t even put it on my nose if I wanted to. This guy’s got it on like a full chainmail set.

Wow. Good for you, Zabuma Fu. 105 spoons. I wonder if he’s going to try to redo it at some point. That really is something. Well done. What am I doing with my life? Sitting here talking about him.

Final Thoughts and Technical Difficulties

We got a guy putting spoons on his body. Does it have to be spoons? What’s the record for forks? Butter knives? Sporks? You could, theoretically, if it’s the same process, you could just get a record for each one. Spoons, forks, knives. What’s stopping you from being the Sticky Man?

The Sticky Man! You could get your own Marvel movie. Ugh, man. Anyway. Anyway, my tummy’s rumbling. I got that bag of Doritos calling my name on the counter.

Thank you, folks, for tuning in. I just got a message on my MacBook that there’s a system overload, and I lost just about the last ten minutes of audio, which is real disheartening. I knew my computer was on the fritz, but it looks like in order to continue this show, I may need to pony up and buy myself a new MacBook. So that’s fun. You can pay to the GoFundMe.

In all seriousness, if you lasted this long, God bless you. I’m probably talking to four people right now. Thank you very much. Find these episodes anywhere you get your podcasts. YouTube, Spotify, they have the full videos. Make sure you like, subscribe to be notified when a new episode drops.

If you have anything you want to tell me, comment on any of the videos or send me an email at sugarbeforebedshow@gmail.com.

Thank you, folks. Good night.