2 - Self Checkout Chaos, Unemployed Chinese, Steroid Olympics, Legal Lethal Injections

Hello, my little gumdrops, and welcome back to Sugar Before Bed. This is a show where each week I take a look at things that have caught my attention and ruined my sleep schedule for the week. It’s a mix of news articles, personal stories, rants, whatever has come across my desk that has ultimately ruined my sleep schedule.

If you’re watching on YouTube, make sure you subscribe and hit that bell icon to stay notified whenever we get a new episode. And if you’re listening on any audio platforms like Apple Podcasts or Spotify, please be sure to rate and whatever else to help the algorithm. Thank you so much for tuning in. Without further ado, let’s jump right into some news articles.

Walmart Self-Checkout Avocado Mishap

First one, we take you to a Walmart self-checkout line. So we’re already off to a good start. Walmart customer calls cops on himself after self-checkout avocado mishap.

A Walmart employee claimed a customer called the police after he, the customer, accidentally overcharged himself for avocados at the self-checkout kiosk, then accused the store of robbing him. I guess he accidentally hit avocados instead of the he intended, and his total jumped up to over $,So let’s see. Avocados from Mexico. And you can blame the tariffs, you can say whatever you want, but $,for avocados is $.an avocado.

Which sounds like a deal to me because they’re $.an avocado where I live. So tariff my keister. And that’s when the customer freaked out and started yelling before stating that he was calling the cops because Walmart was robbing him, a Reddit writer said. The customer called and the police showed up. Dude created a whole circus. Then everyone shows him. Then shows everyone the self-checkout screen, again claiming that Walmart is robbing him.

Okay, so we’ve all done self-checkout. This sounds like a coordinated attack, like a slip-and-fall ambulance chaser kind of guy, because nobody’s got a gun to your head. You can decline the transaction, and you can not take your credit card out of your wallet. And pay, right? You don’t have to follow through with the transaction. So no one’s robbing you. Maybe he’s mentally ill. Don’t go to Walmart by yourself then if you’re mentally ill.

So he calls the cops and this is where it gets interesting. The customer was warned that he needed to leave or would be arrested for trespassing. But the man refused to go unless Walmart compensated him for pain and suffering and distress. Eventually, his own cops that he called put him in handcuffs and took him outside.

So that’s a good use of our taxpayer dollars. Rather than running down speeders or anything else, we get a call, we being the police, get a call from a local Walmart that somebody is feeling threatened, that Walmart is trying to rip off somebody for overpricing them on what presumes to be a user error, hitting too many avocados. Avocados from Mexico.

And look, I’m all for people getting one over on the self-checkout at Walmart. Heck, go get yourself a .pound cut of salmon. Ring it up as a banana. Go on about your day. Take your luck with the cameras. I don’t mind if Walmart gets stiffed a little bit here and there. But it sounds like this is a user error caused by either somebody trying to get a quick lawsuit or somebody who just has a fidgety finger.

And no matter what it is, the fact that he called the police, the police show up, and then those police put him in handcuffs and take him outside. It’s a little chef’s kiss. It’s a perfect summation of that story.

And as the official stance on the Sugar Before Bed podcast, I’d like to just say, I think every self-checkout employee should have body cams. If we’re going to make police officers wear body cameras, why stop there? Let’s put them on the self-checkout employees. I’d love to see a live stream of an eight-hour shift of a Walmart self-checkout employee. And you can choose the city. You can choose whichever one.

Or maybe we just get a robot. Just put like a Roomba robot around at eye level. And just have like a what’s going on in Walmart compilation. Because I’d watch it. I spend enough time on Instagram doom-scrolling anyway on crap that doesn’t matter, so why not just have a live stream of what goes down at Walmart?

Anyway, if you’re going to try to pull one over on Walmart, just scan it as a banana. Move on about your day. Silly. Just downright silly.

Fake Jobs in China: Paying to Pretend to Work

What else we got? Unemployed Chinese youths pay fake companies to hire them to pretend to work. That was a lot. Let’s take that one back.

Unemployed Chinese youths, which are there even such a thing? Unemployed Chinese youths. I got to get my Nikes from somewhere. Pay fake companies to hire them to pretend to work. A bizarre trend sweeping through China has unemployed youths paying fees to pretend to work in rented offices for absolutely no financial gain.

How bad is it in China? Millions of Chinese people report to their office jobs every day, but while the overwhelming majority get paid to do so, some actually pay fake companies to allow them to pretend to work there. In exchange for a daily fee of around $to $these specialized companies offer anyone the chance to experience various work environments complete with desks, lunch facilities, and free Wi-Fi.

Well, is it free Wi-Fi if you’re paying $to $a day? While most simply allow clients to chill in their facilities, those looking for an extra layer of realism can pay extra for fictitious tasks, fake managers, and even staged employee rebellions. These so-called pretend-to-work companies have been growing in popularity this year to meet a growing demand among unemployed youths.

That just goes to show you how much the culture is different between America and China. We, being Americans, not necessarily I, but just Americans, are unemployed. We turn to OnlyFans. They, being Chinese, turn to fake jobs, fake managers, and in fact pay to pretend to work.

Now what I’d like to know is, is there a social stigma around a fake employee or like let’s say lunchtime rolls around and I’m assuming it’s just like American culture you get a lunch any of my Chinese listeners viewers please write in I’ll translate but let’s assume you go to lunch and you go to your local restaurant spot is there like a scarlet letter that the fake employees have to wear do they get served last because if they’re late to come back after lunch, what are they gonna do get fake fired?

So, why would anyone pretend to work? Well, there isn’t one clear answer. Let’s see. Some of its employees said that they would just they’re just there to because they found the concept interesting. Others say that it’s nice to be able to go somewhere to chill out on the cheap instead of hanging around at home. And a few hoped that the experience might help them secure a real job in the future.

So maybe they’re thinking, okay, I’m going to show ambition. I can’t find a job. I’m going to fake job. Fake it till you make it, I think is the expression we’re looking for. It’s just a drastic difference between America and China.

If you work at one of these fake factories, can you select to go to a fake Nike factory? Is that where fake Nikes come from? The fake Nike factory in China?

Spaces are incredibly cheap to rent, and for those looking to hang out, they are cheaper than cafes. You’re probably thinking that there must be better ways to spend unemployment than having to pay to pretend to work. But work culture is so different in China that such unusual services can become mainstream.

Just kill me. Just choose how you do it. Just kill me. Working is already hard enough and taxing enough as it is. I can’t imagine a scenario where I wake up and pay to go through a work day and not get paid. To lose money to go to work.

I can’t imagine the sense of fulfillment is anything fulfilling. I would feel like the biggest fraud. It’s just like one big post-nut clarity of shame. I just spent eight hours in a fake cubicle being berated by my fake manager. And I paid for it.

So the next time you’re thinking, okay, I got to go to work. I hate my job. Maybe I should just start that OnlyFans. Just remember, there’s some poor sack in China that is paying for the experience that you’re getting paid to do.

Enhanced Games: “Olympics on Steroids” in Las Vegas

What else do we have? Enhanced Games, a.k.a. Olympics on Steroids, to be held next year in Las Vegas. Let’s go, baby. Let’s freaking go.

Enhanced Games, a sports competition where performance-enhancing drugs are not only allowed but encouraged, will be held for the first time in May next year in Las Vegas. Oh, hell yeah. Ever wondered how much better top human athletes could be if they were allowed to use performance-enhancing substances in competitions? Well, in May of next year, these questions will be answered, as the first edition of the Enhanced Games kicks off.

Marketed as an event designed to remove the stigma of using PEDs and safely push the limits of human performance, Enhanced Games has rightly been nicknamed the Olympic Games on steroids. Eight different events, the five and -meter races in freestyle and butterfly. Oh, for swimming. Track, leg racing, -meter sprint, and the and -meter hurdles. And then, of course, weightlifting, snatch, clean and jerk.

Well, I’m all for it. And you know damn well people are going to be able to sports bet on this. So that’s amazing. I would wonder what kind of sponsors are going to come from this. Because we’re going to have the biggest, muscle-est, is that a word? The biggest, most muscular athletes. They have a year to do it. So they’re going to start their juicing journey right now. They’re just going to be going buck crazy.

And then we’re going to see them perform basic Olympics. I think rather… That’s all well and good. Let them run, let them swim, let them clean and jerk. But I say we, if it’s the substance games, can’t we just have other people do, because are steroids illegal? Maybe they’re legal, but I say we should allow people to do copious amounts of drugs and then compete.

In whatever that, so like let’s say somebody has to smoke an insane amount of weed. And then how many bags of Funyuns can you eat in minutes? Or we could do, I don’t know, a person has to ingest half gram, a gram, whatever amount of cocaine. And then we have to see how fast they can type on a keyboard or how fast they can blink or how fast they can grind down the back molars, you know, something like that.

Or somebody has to take ecstasy and see how much, well, never mind. I think it’s a great idea. It’s definitely something that I would love to watch. And I don’t even bet, but I would just bet based off of… Well, a couple questions come to mind. Is there a limit to how much steroids they can use? A. B. Nope, that’s about it. I’m just going to vote, or I’m just going to bet on whoever put the most steroids in their body.

I’m assuming there’s a weight class. Maybe it’s like weight class limits before the steroids. And then Buckwild have at it when the needles start going in. So if weight class is but if you’re able to get up to on steroids, and the other guy tapped out at they should still be able to compete because they started at I don’t know. May is when it’s going to happen.

Enhanced Games has already received millions of dollars in funding from venture capitalists like PayPal, its founder, and Donald Trump Jr. as co-founder of Capital. I’m all for it. If we’re going to let men compete in women’s sports, why not let them use steroids? Obviously, we’d have to have, well, maybe not obviously, because men are competing in women’s sports and their records are being shattered and there’s no asterisk.

But I do think… Obviously, if somebody were to break a record on steroids, it should be denoted as such that this record was broken on steroids. I love it. I’m all for it. Let’s have as much fun with the natural human body as we can before AI takes over and we’re watching robots compete.

Although anti-doping agencies see Enhanced Games as a clown show, what do you know, that puts profits over principle, De Sousa, the guy who’s orchestrating it, claims that the current anti-doping rules are outdated and his idea is a better alternative. I agree. So why should PEDs be any different from nutrition and technology experts?

Well, that’s a big difference. Nutrition, PEDs, one’s natural, one’s not. I can see a distinct difference there. But what do I know? I’m just a guy that talks to cameras in a room that’s no bigger than a closet. So right on. Right-o, right-o.

Grocery Store Encounter: The “Poopy Bandit”

Let’s see, what else is going on? I was at the grocery store this past week, and let me run this by you all. Let me see if this is something you think we should instill. I think, leave a comment, let me know what you think, but I think after hearing my take, it’ll be an overwhelming majority will agree.

I think we, as Americans, should be allowed one on-site lethal injection once a year. And what I mean by that is, once a year, we should be able to legally, lethally inject somebody on-site if we witness them doing an atrocity.

And this goes back to the body cams. Maybe if we all get body cameras, we don’t have to submit the footage to Big Brother, but it would be used in time for when we use our legal lethal injection. And it would allow you to, if you could see somebody commit an absolute crime against humanity, you can just walk up to them right in the neck and they drop to the ground.

So I’m in the bathroom before going into the grocery store, the bathroom of the grocery store. And I’m in there. There’s another guy in there. Long story short, the guy does not wash his hands and he was coming out of the stall, not the urinal, the stall. I don’t know if that makes a difference, but the stall where you can take a dump, the stall. Doesn’t wash his hands, walks right out into the grocery store.

After I get out of the grocery store, I’m in the produce section and who else is there but the poopy bandit rifling through all the produce with the hands that he did not wash. Now, I was also in a stall. I was in the stall first. The other guy came in. He was in a stall. And then he left after me, I guess because he doesn’t have as much blood to wipe when he’s done as I do.

So he comes in after me. He’s in there a good amount of time. And then he leaves, doesn’t wash his hands. So he maybe didn’t even know I was in there. Maybe he thought he was by himself. So now he’s in the produce section, picking through all the produce, having not washed his hands.

That’s biohazard. That’s cause for illegal lethal injection. I don’t think that’s crazy to say. I don’t think that’s so far out of left field. I think I’d be doing a public service at that point because you really got to start washing your… Your produce. After you get it. From the store. Because. After having seen that. Never in a million years. Would I have thought. Somebody would just. Go. Go from the shit.

And he wasn’t even. He wasn’t even like. Taking his. Whatever he took. Into his cart. He was doing the old. Like looking at an apple. Not the one I want. Looking at the apple. Not the one I want. Dude touched. different apples. Before finding the one he wanted. After having not washed his hands.

This is why my sleep cycle is the way that it is. I think of these things at night and I just can’t work around a way. I think I’m going to draft a letter and if I can get enough of my supporters, not my supporters, if I can get enough support, I’ll take it up to Congress and hopefully we can get something done about the poopy bandit because boy oh boy.

And this was like a middle-aged white man for anyone who was curious.

Closing Thoughts

So that’s just what’s been keeping me up at night. Trying to keep these episodes shorter. Just kind of every week trying to see what works, what doesn’t. Part of this is just trying to stay consistent.

If you’ve lasted this long, again, thank you. Make sure… If you feel inclined, please like, subscribe, rate, follow, review all the things on whatever platform. If you’re listening and you want to watch, go over to YouTube or check it out on Spotify. If you’re watching and you just want to listen, you can, I think, do that on YouTube or check it out on any podcast platform.

Thank you, folks. Good night.